It was about four in the morning, the usual time for me to wake up with an idea, a solution, a question, or some gas. But this was no ordinary wake up call. I was contacted by the big guy himself. At least I think I was. You see, I have been mulling over this whole Intelligent Design stuff for a year now. And finally, I got my answer but I never expected to get it from the Designers mouth.

Here is the transcript of our conversation as best I can recall.

Hey Crane wake up.

What? Whos there? Whos talking to me?

Are you awake?

What? I hear choirs.

Hold on. Let me turn down my iPod. There. Is that better?

Yeah. Who are you? Where are you? I want you to know I am a practitioner of the seven death blows. I can and will kill you!

I was making it up. Who was I kidding? I watch Project Runway.

That wont be necessary. I bring you no harm. Im the guy responsible for Intelligent Design.

Oh thats nice. Whats your name?

I couldnt tell where the voice was coming from. It seemed to surround me. I fumbled for the lights. They didnt work. I checked the radio. It was dead. The dog continued to sleep leaving to me to believe this was all taking place in my head.

Never you mind my name. Im the big Designer.

Hold on a second. It cant be. God is that you?

No. Its the cable guy. Yes its me! Ive given you the answer to your question, now take it to Robertson!

But why me? Why are ya tellin me? I mean, you know, I havent exactly been what you might call a big fan of yours recently.

Yeah, I know that. Consider it a blessing of sorts; a reaching out; an olive branch if you will.

If you want to bless me, find me an agent or publisher. Get me a spot on Oprah for Christs sa

Yo!

Um oh yeah, sorry.

No problem. Its just a sensitive issue thats all. And as far as your request is concerned, good luck. Even I cant find a good agent.

Hey, wait a minute. How do I know youre God? This could be my subconscious playing a cruel trick on me. You sure dont sound like God.

Thou hast cast from thyself a rife and great shadow in the midst of attestation and advisement fore with thine glory who hath spoken unto thee revealing the holiest of intelligence and design to instilleth! How about them apples?

Holy cow! You are God.

Bingo!

Hey, how come you use to talk like that? Nothin for nothin, Ive gotta tell ya, nobody understood a word you said. Everyones runnin around saying they know you best. Its a mess around here.

First of all I had nothing to do with the Bible or Koran or any other manual. They were all written by a bunch of men filled with their big ideas and high brow language skillsthe self-serving nudniks. And secondly, like I said, I couldnt find a good agent.

Well maybe you should consider giving us the word now. Thought about using a good Holy Ghost writer? Id suggest Stephen King but he might take some liberties with Satan and the Fire and the Brimstone. How about John Grisham? He writes clearly, hed be pretty good; besides, hes a former attorney and could keep everything you have to say on the up and up.

I dont like lawyers. They were a mistake along with talk radio.

Wow. Imagine that! God made mistakes.

Believe you me, I made plenty but Im not getting into that! Listen, I dont have a lot of time. Are ya or arent ya going to tell Robertson?

Well, how come you dont talk to him yourself? I mean youre always telling him whos sick in Pagetown Ohio and stuff.

Say what?

Yeah, hes always telling people you told him theyre healed and to stop their dialysis or their medication and stuff.

Youre kidding me, right?

Oh no. Ya mean youre not talking to him. Jesus Chri

Yo!

I mean, darn! There must be hundreds of people he has healed. Or killed I guess.

Hes nuts! Ive never talked to him.

What about Benny Hinn, Jerry Falwell, Tony Robbins, Mayor Nagin?

Mayor who?

Come on. Youre kidding right? The mayor from New Orleans.

Why am I talkin to him?

I dont know why? It was your hurricane!

What hurricane?

Katrina? Dah!

I have nothing to do with the weather. It is what it is.

Ya mean the tsunami wasnt a message to the Muslims?

What tsunami? What the hell is goin on here?

Robertson said you told him it was a message.

It was a big wave. It was a big wave because the ocean floor had an adjustment. What do ya want from me already?

So you are tellin me you havent talked to Pat Robertson?

Whos Pat Robertson?

The guy you want me to tell all your big design secrets to.

I mean that new Supreme Court fellow, John Robertson.

You mean John Roberts?

Roberts, Robertson, whatever.

Whatever? Ya see what Im talkin about. Youre kind of blas about your instructions.

Got a lot on my mind okay.

Like what?

Like I have this new project and Im trying a few minor tweeks so that if life takes hold and evolution starts up that it will stop with the apes and dolphins will develop hands and reading skills. Its when you damn humans come into the picture that all the trouble starts. And it keeps happening over and over again. And Im runnin out of space, so to speak, out here! Its enough to make a grown god cry I tell ya.

Aha! So there is evolution!

Hello of course there is. Thats the whole design: a little predictability, a little chaos, some survival of the fittest. Thats the plan. What do ya think? I just throw down a man here, a rib over there, and a few penguins in for fun? Come on. Think Bobby think!

Youre startin to sound like my mother.

Speakin of which, you know you should have listened to her more.

Yeah, I knowthank you very much. So let me get this straight. You are claiming to be the Intelligent Designer and the design is evolution.

Bingo again!

Whats with you and bingo?

Great game! Gave it to the Catholics you know!

No I dont know but what I do know is that you are kind of kooky.

Yeah, tell me about it. Youd be too if you had all these things going on.

So whats the issue on the new project that has you all in a knot?

I already told you. I havent found a way to stop humans from evolving. Every time they do, the planet is eventually destroyed. The closest I came to getting the right mix was a planet where the humans had both sex organs. They called themselves Phmales. Everything was looking pretty good until they discovered they could be their own sex partner. That created some serious inbreeding issues. And talk about same sex marriage. How about marrying yourself? It was a disaster, truthfully.

Wow! And you want me to tell John Roberts all this stuff.

Just tell him that I am the intelligent designer and the design engine is evolution. Tell him that I got the wheels in motion, and its up to you guys to keep them moving. Tell him, Ive got no llama in this race.

But I have to ask again. Why me? And why tell John Roberts?

You both seem like good guys; like you could work well together.

But hes a pretty serious Christian and Im kind of a lowly humanist.

Yeah and your point would be?

Well, humanists are considered atheists in many Christian circles and atheists dont make great messengers for God.

Are you and atheist?

I dont know right now. I like to keep my options open. Besides, look who I think Im talking to. Like Im gonna to tell you Im agnostic or something.

Well whether you are or arent, it doesnt matter. The mistake humans make is that they place this blind faith in me, as if I have plans to do something, to save them, whatever that means. That I listen to their prayers or, what did you tell me earlier, send tsunamis as a message. Im not into that. As I said before, what you see is what you get. WYSIWYG bigtime! You are on your own unfortunately and that is why I have to fix the formula.

So all that talk about Revelations and the Rapture and all?

That was no message of mine. Talk to the folks at King James publishing.

And you didnt talk things over with President Bush about going into Iraq?

I have to laugh. You call me wacky! I dont talk to anyone much anymore. I used to. But it always ended up wrong. A lot of killing in my name. So I disconnected my phone. Lets see the last time I talked to someone was Gandhi. Now he got it right.

Wow. And now you are talking to me. Jerry, Dubya and Pat arent going to like this. I just want to be double sure I heard this right, you dont mind humanists?

Look humanists revel in the goodliness humans have. It is the only evolutionary weapon you have to work with quite honestly. It doesnt matter that you believe in me; like I said, wouldnt do you any good anyway. But by believing in goodliness, you in essence believe in me, after all goodliness is just godliness spelled with an extra o for good measure.

Oh, thats cute God.

Yeah, kind of like it myself.

And why me? Why not talk to Roberts directly?

Too risky. It might make him think Ive been talking to him all along. I dont want it to go to his head.

So you want me to talk to him.

Yeah. You know that deal with Gandhi? Well I didnt really talk to him directly. I got a hold of some sheep herder, Raataahaninghianna. He took care of it. That seemed to work. This is the same idea.

I see. Kinda like that movie, Oh God, with John Denver.

Didnt see it.

Yeah, I think George Burns played you.

Nice choice. Hes funny.

You know, you really are out there.

Thats what Im talking about.

So, you dont care that Im a humanist.

Could care less. Im not the least bit interested.

Swept up in the moment, it occurred to me I had an opportunity to ask the million dollar question.

Can I ask you one last thing?

Make it quick. Gotta a super nova planned in an hour.

What happens after we die?

Its a god damn mystery aint it?

He chuckles. God chuckles. Ain't that a hoot. I pressed on.

Yeah, it sure is. But sadly, I pretty much think promises of answers are at the root of a lot of what goes wrong here.

Yup, ya might be right. Look, I wish I had the answer for you, but Id have to be like 250 times smarter than Einstein and da Vinci and the rest to answer that one. Im probably only 150 times smarter, 175 tops.

He laughed. God laughs. He's a pip, he is. I continued.

So anyway, thats it? You want me to tell John Roberts about Intelligent Design and Evolution? Again, the reason why John Roberts would be

Well, its just a suggestion. He is after all the most important judge on your planet. I think that is a good start to getting this evolution and goodliness idea back on track. Make it clear that Im not on anyones side. Youre headed for disaster if you do. I know, he could put it all in the Constitution.

God stopped for a moment. The dog continued to snore. I pinched myself. He continued on.

And while youre at it tell him I said to forget that marriage amendment crap. Phmales tried to do the same thing and it didnt work so well. Besides, sexual orientation is all a result of design and shouldnt be punished by stupid human fears. Damn humans!

Now you want amendments to the Constitution. It doesnt really work like that. But hey, if you think its a good idea, Ill send him an email and await his response, although Im not holding my breath.

I can hold my breath a long time. Just do what you can.

Do what I can

You know Bob, Im thinking youre right. I need to get this place back on message. Remind me again, who was that Holy Ghost writer you suggested before?

John Grisham.

A good fella is he?

I wouldnt know. He is a lawyer remember.

Yeah, that troubles me. Well what about you? Maybe you could be my Holy Ghost writer.

Are ya sure you want me to be your writer? A humanist?

Sure why not. You dont have an agenda.

I mean no disrespect but I really do think you are nuts.

You have a business card?

Youre kiddin me?

All right, Ill tell ya what. Ill mull it over during the Super Nova and drop you an email.

Sure whatever. Just get me an agent. You know during your breaks with the Nova project. And speaking of Nova, could you kinda help Villanova in the NCAAs this March?

Youre pushing your luck little man.

Ill settle for the final four.

Dont hold your breath. Will catcha later. Ta ta.

Yeah. Later.

Here is what has happened since:

Sent the transcript to NPR hoping to get an email address for John Roberts.

Holding my breath.

Awaiting NSA agents at the door soon.

No email from God yet to greenlight our project.

No agent.

No calls from Oprah.

Not real reliable, Id say.