Most barriers to forgiveness come in the form of a but.

For example -

But I dont feel like forgiving.

And you may not for a while. Ultimately, forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling.

But if I forgive someone, doesnt that mean I approve of what they did?

No, not at all. Forgiveness does not condone what was done.

But if I forgive, doesnt that open me up to be hurt again?

Well, yes and no.

The yes part is that if we are going to risk closeness in relationships, we are going to risk being hurt. Its just part of the territory.

The no part is that while forgiving, you can still protect yourself from further hurt. One way to do this is in relationships is to set clear boundaries with equally clear consequences if the boundaries are violated.

But if I forgive, doesnt that let the other person off the hook?

Not necessarily.

There are consequences for actions, even after forgiveness. What forgiveness can do is let you off the hook of bitterness and resentment.

But I forgave, and I still feel bad.

Unfortunately, that can happen. While its true that forgiveness is a decision, its also a process. So is the healing. It can take time.

Jeff Herring

Jeff is a marriage and family therapist, singles and relationship coach, mentor coach, speaker, syndicated relationship columnist and author.

Jeff has a full time private practice in Tallahassee in which he specializes in couples, teen and parent counseling. He also is a relationship coach specializing in working with couples and singles. Some of his professional activities include:

==> Internationally syndicated relationship columnist through Knight-Ridder/Tribune Media Services, with a weekly readership of over 10 million worldwide

==> Sought after speaker for organizations, associations, churches, and corporations

==>Twice weekly appearances on The Steve and Sara Show on Magic 107.1

==> Author of "Keep the Changes: 52 Tools for Successful Living" a collection of his best columns, as well as several e-books including "How to Create a Passionate and Loving Relationship.........Forever," "How to Beat the BOZOs: Dealing with difficult people without becoming one," and "Tame Your Teen: THE survival guide for parenting your teenager.

==> Founder and CEO of TheArticleGuy.com

==> Founder and CEO of SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

==> Founder and CEO of ParentingYourTeeanger.com

==> Founder and CEO of ToolsforSuccessfulLiving.com

==> President of BuildingYourIdealPractice.com

==> President of ConsciousDatingTallahassee.com